I work in a tenement...

I came to this realization over the last several weeks.  Now, many of you may be wondering "but Matt, you've been bitching about your shitty office building for five years, you are just now stating this as a fact?"  Where to begin....

PEOPLE CHANGING THEIR CLOTHES IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM

Now, I like to think that I work in a professional office building...reasonable, no?  So I was headed downstairs to do my business, and as I turn the corner in the broom closet-sized bathroom, I come face to face with some random dude off the streets in his underwear.  Keep in mind, HE IS BLOCKING ALL ACCESS TO THE URINALS AND TOILETS.  I look at him face-to-face...mano a mano.  He lets out an inconsequential grunt and continues what he is doing.  Afraid to accidentally send him into a PCP-induced frenzy of violence, I quietly back away without showing fear and exit the bathroom.

What is wrong with this picture?  Is the security office downstairs really using the bathroom as a personal locker room for their ragtag army of Paul Blarts?  Why doesn't it occur to people that jeopardizing an entire bathroom in an office building isn't socially acceptable?

AMBIENT NOISE OUTSIDE: GHETTO MOMS CURSING IN FRONT OF CHILDREN, SHITTY SUBWOOFERS, ETC.

Since working here, I can point to a long list of occurrences where I have been working at my desk, and suddenly been disturbed by the sweet sounds of "U SAID U WAS PICKING UP DAT MONEY N***A! WHAT THE HELL'M I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, MM?  GET YOUR FUCKIN ASS OVER THERE RIGHT NOW MAFUCKA!"  All of this in front of at least one elementary-aged child, perhaps two.  Seriously, there is no hope for these children.

I also enjoy coming back from lunch and hearing the absolute worst of today's rap music being blasted through shitty car speakers, by people parked in the 15 minute parking spots so everyone that enters the building has to hear their shit and notice their SICK TINTS BRUH.  Seriously, this is a commercial district, not the fucking slums.  Take your beat ride somewhere else.

Occasionally I hear a bird, but that might be the related brain impairment from the chemical fumes coming from my vent, which brings me to my last point...

INDUSTRIAL CONSTRUCTION AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY

They are renovating the suite downstairs.  No big deal, right?  Unfortunately, the building manager has given the contractors carte blanche to be as absolutely loud and obnoxious as they want to be.  Imagine 120 decibel drills and hammers going off all day long.  But not consistently.  No, they stop long enough to lull you into a relaxed state before going buckwild again, jolting you from your reverie.

I've also noticed the aforementioned fumes (and even fine particulate matter) coming out of my vent after said construction.  Asbestos, perhaps?  Could I possibly have mesothelioma?  If so, can I get in on some of that sweet class action swag?

I could go on about the random/mentally disabled people that physically walk into my office and stare at me or confront me, but that would be dragging on.  As a disclaimer, I can work from home three days a week, so my brave colleagues have it far worse than I.

THE AMBULANCE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE, MORON

Does this look familiar to you? You are driving along on a two-lane road, minding your own business. Suddenly, you see an ambulance coming from the opposite direction, heading who knows where. Boy, I hope that person is ok, you think to yourself. Suddenly, the person in front of you SLAMS on their brakes. WTF?!

Why do people panic so much when they see an ambulance coming IN THE OPPOSITE FREAKING DIRECTION. I can see stopping at an intersection, but it's a two-lane road people. What the hell are you stopping for? "Oh noes, an ambulance!! I better come to a complete stop even though he is nowhere near me and I am not impeding his movement!!!" Just keep going the same speed, idiot...I don't think the ambulance of death is suddenly going to swerve over and hit you head on.

It's also comical watching people try to get out of the way of an emergency vehicle coming from behind. There is such an "oh shit" quality to it, it's pretty hysterical. "OK, INSTEAD OF KEEPING STEADY SPEED AND LETTING HIM GO AROUND ME, I AM GOING TO COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AND LOGJAM TRAFFIC MAKING IT HARDER FOR HIM TO GET THROUGH LOL." If I was an ambulance driver, I would give the finger to all of these people.

RADIO SHACK SUCKS

The other day, I decided to venture out to upgrade my wife's phone to the iPhone 4, since she was finally due for the reduced price upgrade. There is a Radio Shack conveniently located about 60 seconds away over in downtown Paoli, so I figured I would head over there, pick it up, and be done within 10-15 minutes. First mistake.

For starters, I walk into the store and am immediately greeted by this guy:

Seriously, I'm not joking. The manager looked exactly like Will Forte from SNL. I hate the modern version of that show, so my gut instinct immediately told me to get out of the store and make the trek out to King of Prussia to the AT&T store. Nah, I thought to myself. Just because the guy looks like Macgruber for Christ's sake, that's stupid to think of that as an indicator of future service. Note to self: Trust my gut instinct.

To begin with, they didn't have the phone in stock. No big deal, they can just get it from another store or do the shipping option, right? I figured that would be the case any way, even if I ordered direct from AT&T. I proceed to stand there for 35 minutes as Macgruber haplessly calls around to a few stores that show up on his magical computer as having one in stock. Finally, he strikes gold with the Doylestown location. And then my real troubles began.

My wife and I don't have the most luck with cell phones, so I figured it was a no-brainer to get the AppleCare warranty. Unfortunately, this particular Radio Shack was UNABLE TO SELL IT TO ME. Wtf? You advertise yourself as a freaking AT&T retailer and you aren't even to sell me the goddamn warranty for the Apple product?

Macgruber explained to me that it was a glitch in the system, so he would proceed to try and call Radio Shack Support (lol) for assistance. During this time, I became suddenly thankful that there was some meaningless bowl game on the television, so I wouldn't awkwardly have to look at the same crappy products over and over again. Of course, it also gave me time to reflect on if the real MacGyver was there, he probably would have had this figured out 25 minutes ago even with his lack of Shack knowledge. But I digress.

Long story short, after another 45 minutes of futilely trying several different methods of selling me the stupid warranty, he simply tells me that I'll just have to buy it directly from Apple. Well shit dude...if I would have known that I would have run my other two errands and been home by now. An hour and 25 minutes at Radio Shack, all to basically order a phone.

Advice? Unless you are buying something simple like an HDMI cable, avoid Radio Shack like the plague. They have no business being a provider for any cell carrier. And if the person helping you looks like one of the many completely unfunny "comedians" on SNL nowadays, run like hell.

After a brief hiatus...some thoughts

After another hiatus, definitely want to get back into this full-time (or as close to it as my schedule involves). To get back into the swing of things, just want to offer my sharp and insightful thoughts on some recent events.

1) Roger Goodell is a douche.

Wow. Every week, it seems as if I see something in the NFL that completely blows my mind once again, and Week 13 didn't fail me. Whether it's the ridiculous personal foul call on Ndomakong Suh by Ed HGHochuli that played a key role in the Bears victory, the utterly hilarious noncall after the Ravens' McClain tried to decapitate Heath Miller, or Roethlisberger getting hit so hard in the face that his nose was turned sideways (another noncall, mind you), this weekend did not fail.

The fact is, Goodell has created this monster. During Week 12, there is a camera angle of the James Harrison hit on Ryan Fitzpatrick that shows the referee was pulling the flag out of his pants BEFORE HARRISON EVEN GOT THERE. The targeting of specific teams and individuals taints the entire NFL, and makes Goodell look like a teenage girl with a vendetta.

No one is arguing that defenseless receivers/QBs shouldn't be protected from egregious, unnecessary hits. But if you are going to push this policy, it's kind of important to have officials that are competent enough to call it down the middle. The idea that there was a referee specifically assigned to watch Heath Miller on that play blows my mind.

2) Obama: Told ya so.

As we approach the halfway point of President Obama's first term in office, I have to ask the question...is your hope and change paying dividends yet? This is one of those times where I honestly hate the fact I was right. All through the election, I kept the following mantra: Barack Obama is a completely inexperienced, two-year senator who has never had any executive experience other than "community organizing" (what the hell does that entail, anyway?). And sure enough, his Administration (as even his political allies admit) has been a constant comedy of errors since they took over the WH.

The only real "change" he has delivered, other than passing a shitty, watered-down healthcare bill and making teleprompters cool, is somehow taking Bush's questionable record on civil liberties/rights and MAKING IT WORSE. And for the love of God...can we stop talking about Michelle Obama like she is some kind of fashion diva/glamorous type? At least the comparisons to Jackie O have stopped...

3) Facebook does a wonderful job of exposing the idiots in your life.

Over the last month or so, there have been some wonderful new trends on Facebook that have amused me to no end. For starters, the idea that changing your profile picture to a cartoon character can somehow help fight child abuse. This is the classic example of "slacktivism". Engaging in meaningless activities that have no real effect on any kind of problem other than making the person feel good about themselves. Hey jerkoff....if you REALLY are serious about fighting child abuse (or any other cause), give money or offer your time.

Of course, what is so funny about this (and I don't care if it's true or not) is that people are saying it's some kind of scam by pedophiles. No idea if this is true, but if it is, I have to give kudos to pedophiles everywhere for making so many people look like idiots.

The same goes for the stupid shit that was going on during Breast Cancer Awareness Month (by the way ladies, when are men going to get Prostate Cancer Awareness Month, a disease that kills almost as many men as breast cancer does women?). But I digress...during that month, you saw thousands of brainless women posting statuses like: "on the couch....LOL", "in the backseat of my car....OMG LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY :)". Again...what does this have to do with breast cancer? DONATE TIME OR MONEY YOU SELF-INDULGENT TURDS.

UPDATE: It's still Bush's fault

Obama Attacks Bush................Again

At a fund-raising event for Democrats in Dallas, where Bush now lives, Obama said the former president's "disastrous" policies had driven the U.S. economy into the ground and turned budget surpluses into deficits.

Obama defended his repeated references to Bush's policies, saying they were necessary to remind Americans of the weak economy he inherited from Bush in January 2009.

"The policies that crashed the economy, that undercut the middle class, that mortgaged our future, do we really want to go back to that, or do we keep moving our country forward?" Obama said at another fund-raising event in Austin, referring to Bush's eight years as president.

This guy is the saddest excuse for a "leader" this nation has ever seen....and I say that recognizing some of the colossal failures of the past 225 years. We are almost halfway through the four-year term of this jackass, and this is all he has to offer us? "At least I'm not Bush"? Give me a break. Obama enjoyed a luxury that is almost unheard of; not only controlling the White House, but holding a SUPERMAJORITY IN CONGRESS.

He has had free rein to shove through all the legislation he wants. Over a trillion dollars in wasted stimulus money? Check. A bloated and horrifyingly bureaucratic healthcare bill that the majority of the country wants repealed? Check. A financial reform bill that serves as nothing more than a handout to the powerful labor unions that got him elected? Check. Thank God "comprehensive immigration reform", or amnesty, hasn't been rammed through yet.

And what are we hearing now? Apparently, the White House is starting to think about pushing legislation that will simply forgive the mortgages of thousands of Americans, with no strings attached. What a fantastic idea! Not only add a couple hundred billion more dollars to the national debt, but punish those of us who are patiently saving until we are READY to buy a house. OWNING A HOUSE IS NOT A RIGHT, ITS A PRIVILEGE.

At any rate, it still scares me that 40% of the country still somehow "approves" of Obama's job performance. What the hell has he done? Even supporters of universal healthcare recognize the bill for what it is...a bureaucratic nightmare of epic proportions. His economic policy has FAILED. And you think it's bad right now? Just wait until Congress refuses to extend the Bush tax cuts. I am pretty confident unemployment will be at 10% or higher soon enough. And of course, real unemployment is hovering around 16%.

But hey! It's not Obama's fault! His policies ARE helping! It's just that the evil emperor George W Bush wrecked this country so much that a stack of legislation and the other party having ultimate power isn't even enough to fix it in two years. Oh, you pathetic, miserable excuse for a president. America may have been dumb and naive enough to vote for you in 2008, but people see right through your empty suit now.

Back in action

After a hiatus of over a year, I'm going to try and get back in the blogging game. And by blogging, I mean ranting about anything that pisses me off.

Pennsylvania Turnpike = Biggest ripoff ever

I had the good fortune of traveling out to Pittsburgh this week to catch Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals. The trip was great...I always love any chance I get to travel to the cleaner part of the state. That being said, I have never been more pissed off driving on a road than I am on the good ol Pennsylvania Turnpike.

For starters, the greedy bastards (I'm looking at you, slick Eddie Rendell) in Harrisburg decided that it was fair to make a one way trip from Philly to Pittsburgh cost TWENTY F*CKING DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I worked it out...that is almost 8 cents/mile. By comparison, the NJ Turnpike charges just under 5 cents a mile. Oh yeah, and they actually have made great improvements on that road, in contrast to the PA Turnpike that hasn't been repaved since 1923.

And the work zones..........good god almighty the work zones. I drove through approximately 27 work zones between here and Pittsburgh. For about 24 of them, the only "work" i saw being done was men in orange coats putting down more cones. You want to solve the national deficit in one fell swoop? Ban the manufacturing of orange cones, and cease and desist all road work projects that primarily involve setting down and picking up orange cones on a seemingly random basis. There is a mountain on the eastbound Turnpike just past Breezewood that is three lanes to accomodate large trucks. So naturally, the jerks decide to squeeze it to one lane so we all get to follow some truck for five miles up a hill going about 15 mph. Then when I get to the top, here is what I see: THREE MEN IN A TRUCK PICKING UP ORANGE CONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get with the 21st century Pennsylvania....please